Man.

Man.

Tonight, the scariest thing that happened to me was turning the page on my calendar to November.  (Including the forgetting of Béla’s costume today for her school party in my mindlessness, my strange and empty meditation today, or trick or treating to thirty houses tonight.  You think I exaggerate?  Hahaha)  I looked up at it, (the calendar) and just after editing some photos for this new blog (or for my Facebook page, I wasn’t sure which yet... but since, as Blane said, as we have resorted to communicating with just a few bits and bytes of information these days, via FB statuses, IM’s, texts, and so on, and talking about how sad that really is... I thought after thinking about it that this would be the more honorable place for them, a place where I can actually have as much space as I need to write), and realized I needed to just... flip the damn page already.  I didn’t want to.  It was the last photo I took of my day today, and thought I would add it to my little gallery of photos that I had compiled for my “Samhain/end of year” tribute.  Looks like I’ll be doing it alone this year, which is actually just perfect.  Gives me the time and space to reflect, honor, and pay attention.  It is going to be a magnificent one, I can feel it.  I am happy to have found these last few photos here... from other times and places this year.. and they have all made me smile in different ways. 

I haven’t wanted to drink much in the past seven years.  Both the taste and the feeling have left me more nauseous than they used to.  I am seeming to enjoy it again, currently, but still in moderation.  I see what it does to others and I don’t like it.  But... The beer I drink can’t be cheap anymore, and it has to be ale.  (If you are going to put something in your mouth, it may as well be the best, right?)  It has to be delightful, fulfilling.  It can't be done mindlessly.  I can’t drink it freezing cold anymore, it has to be warm.  I have to be able to TASTE IT.  I have to savour each and every drink of it, save all of the bottles of all of the ales that I drink, and they have to be reusable.  I have to be better to the Earth.......... in every way.

These are the thoughts entering my head these past few days.

I am being ridiculous.  I am being obsessive.  I am not letting this go.  It has only been a week, but it is still awful.  I am trying not to let my emotions control me, but how does one control emotion?  Shut it off completely?  Just a little bit?  Put aside all feeling and numb the mind?  Fuck it, and put up another wall?  I wonder what could have happened, was supposed to happen, might have happened, what should have happened, if I fucked up, if I said wrong things, if I said enough. 

These are the arguments entering my head these past few days.

Did I apologize enough for the things that I didn’t say after that argument?  No.  He did.  Did I consider all of the feelings involved when I said what I did?  No.  He did.  If what is... IS what was, and it is what it is, and I still don’t have the answers, is it always going to be what it is, and what it was, and nothing more?  Nothing can change now.  It is all said and done.  It is too late.  So yeah.  It is what it is.  But still... I don’t have to like it.

These are the things I so terribly wish I could change, but will never have the chance to, in these past few days.

I am trying not to let my thoughts consume me.  Maybe after tonight things will brighten a bit more.

I have read and reread a plethora of emails and conversations, reading between the lines.

I felt myself journeying out there today, moreso than I have been able to do in the past few years.  Still, no leaving.  Only staying, only falling asleep, only napping, only unconsciousness.  No messages, in my dreams, no words of comfort.  I wish I could give you some, but I have none left to offer.

One hopeful bit...

As I looked through all of my photos tonight... I realized something very important... there was a lot of life that I had before this happened.  A lot.  There will be a lot of life that happens after this has happened.

Love always wins.

On to midnight.

Song Lyrics of the day:

SEPTEMBER ELEVENTH AT
THE SHAMBHALA CENTER

by terre (for namgya)

good morning baby, the sky is your
friend. when you’re scared, look up to
the big no end. i hear your voice, don’t
lose your nerve, i hear your voice, you
are the one who is singing and i am the
listener. good morning children, whatever
you build will be strong if you find your
way in the long storm. i hear your
voice, don’t lose your nerve, i hear
your voice, you are the one who is
singing and i am the listener. good
morning grownups, remember the day,
also let it go the way of the big no.
i hear your voice, don’t lose your nerve,
stay if you ran, you are the one who is
singing and i am the listener.

- From The Roches, "Moonswept"