Gee Wiz. What's Next. And... Happiness.
Allow me to please begin this blog tonight by offering my
love and support, and a big huge hug to anyone and everyone who is suffering
right now. May the arms of the Goddess
wrap around you completely in Love and healing, support and kindness,
gentleness and compassion, and let her love and light wash away your pain and
anguish. So Mote it Be.
I had begun this blog tonight ready to spill, in entirely
too much detail, a complaint of all of the awful things that have happened in
close proximity to me over the last few weeks, or really, months. But as I wrote, it turned into something altogether
different. That is probably a very good
thing, considering the path it was taking.
Feeling sorry for oneself is simply no way to get anywhere.
I won’t bother to go into all of the crummy things that have
happened in the last week, for instance.
Not that they have happened “to” me, anyway, so I won’t be as greedy and
insensitive as to say that. If fact, no,
they have not. They have happened “around”
me, sometimes “concerning” me, and even “upon” me and “to and within my bodily
person,” occasionally... but I wouldn’t say that any of them happened... “to”
me, really, at all. So-to-speak. That seems like saying that things happen
that are sometimes unfair, unjust, unhappy, or unnervingly, out of our control.
Maybe the issue is that we have the nerve to believe that we
any control over things at all, ever. Oh... but wait...
DO we? Or DON’T
we? (Don’t we? At least a little bit?)
What is the truth, after all? If we don’t have any control over what
happens to us, or, very little, why should we even try, right? Should we even BOTHER, you ask? Why, yes.
Yes, Bygods, we most certainly SHOULD
bother. Bother to get on with our
lives. To direct them, in as much as we
can, to the happy places they can be. Here,
tonight, I will tell you why. Because, you see, for every bad thing
that happened this week, a decidedly good
thing happened, also. Furthermore...
I happen to believe that we Do own a certain amount of control over our
lives. Maybe we can’t control everything
but I do believe that we can direct our lives to the best place they can
be. That is different for each of us.
So. In short, Death
again. Death, and sickness. Feebleness.
Fragility. Frailty. But mostly, yes, Death... here we are, and here
we meet yet again, my obstinate and persistent friend... Death. So I face you now again, with the writing of yet
more words, and in this way, so I that I won’t have to feel like I am running
and hiding from you, now, or ever. You
are as necessary as the air that we breathe, the mechanism that keeps that assured
circle of life spinning... the catalyst that ultimately, albeit untimely makes
things “real” to us on a vast and dreadful degree... You are, as ever, present, though sometimes
lurking just around the corner, sneaking around to catch us unaware, and as
uncaring about whom and what you touch and take, as the wind is about blowing
around the leaves. Yes, we ALL DIE. Yes, we know it. But still yes, each and every time, it always
seems... just... so... unfair.
Yet is it fair, for us to call it unfair?
Whether we wish to admit it or not, we do know that although
it seems “unfair,” now and then, that it is, after all, most certainly “fair,”
or to put it more reasonably, that it is the law of things, the way of things, and
that they are as they have been for eons... and just as they should be. Things are such that perhaps one must leave
to make room for another, that perhaps energy changes but is never created or
destroyed, and that perhaps death, though ugly and unfair, is, in fact,
inevitable. Perhaps.
Some of us (yours truly is no exception) may still harbor
some latent dream or fantasy that we’ve buried deep down inside ourselves, stuffed
it away rudely inside our innermost thoughts and forgotten imaginings, in that
tender place we daren’t explore too often.
We have put it away, but just for now, knowing that we can access it easily
enough at any time. It is the desire and
the secret childhood wish for... a life without death at the end. A life of... (drumrolllllllll) Dat Dada Daaahhh....
Immortality.
Did I used to think that “I” could possibly be immortal? Well sure I did, and some days, I guess the innocent,
naïve child in me does still. I have
this fantasy... I don’t let it out to play as much anymore as I once did, but
it is still in there somewhere. It is
the one where I end up in the sacred mountains of Tibet
No one would even have to know I was there. I could live there for centuries.
But.
As we grow older... sadly, some of us altogether stop
believing in these things. We stop
believing impossible things are possible anymore... we stop believing in Santa
Claus, unfortunately, and in the Tooth Faery, in Faeries in general (hmm mmm mmmmgh... but not *I*... just to be quite
clear!), and somewhere along the road, we stop believing in real magick. We abandon the tales of King Midas where
everything we touch could turn to gold... (Could and very likely would, had we
just enough belief and courage and magick of our own to see it through, darn it!)
tales of our conquests and riches and loves and desires and more... and of our
own personal fantasies of life-after-death or even immortality... of which ever
“end” of our own making we chose to live out.
In fact, I would like to soothe myself just now... and go so far as to
propose that each of us, right here and now, (if you like, that is... as many
people probably want to have no knowledge of this at all, but I for one, say
that if I could, I believe I would) choose to decide our ending fate... how,
when, why and where we will all go onward from here... and decide on this very
day, to make it happen that way! Sure! Why not?
Will it? Perhaps, perhaps not...
but at least we got to participate in the fantasy of the choosing of it. What will really happen to each of us after
we die?
Well who the hell knows.
I do not know, and neither do you. It is one of the mysteries of this life of
ours... and it is supposed to be this way.
We can go about picking and choosing this end or that... be you of one
faith or another, and who is to say that your own choosing will or will not
happen, simply because you desire or chose that it should be so? In your case, I hope that it is all that you
had hoped and dreamed it would be. I hope
that we are all on our way toward bigger and maybe even better missions and
lives and experiences... and that we all meet our higher spirit guides and
guardian angles and saviors... and I hope for hope’s sake, that we all are able
to say that we made a good life for ourselves for the short time that we were
here. I know I would like to. I feel I have a lot yet to do in this little
life here on Earth this time around.
But, I wonder... doesn’t everyone?
Regardless of what they have or have not achieved? Is anyone ever really ready to go?
(SO... going back briefly to my fantasy... I deem that I shall
be a hundred, a hundred and ten, depending on advances in medical science, or
at the very least, ninety four, because that is the number that I have always
seen in my mind for some reason... and I shall go peacefully in my sleep while
dreaming a fine dream, but only after I have propelled myself into a luxurious space
bubble shaped carriage made of liquid crystal and silver, adorned with fine
silks and borne on to the windless energies of space under the power of a the
wings of a flock of beautiful great Blue Herons, twirling and spinning and
bouncing and dancing through the cosmos... to have that one last “flight”
before I go... I’ll flesh it out as I go but those are the basic details...)
I know that I have it within the capabilities of my mind to
do this sort of thing, to play this kind of game, to placate myself in whatever
way that I choose, as we all do, concerning our own deaths, our after deaths, and
so on...
Yet, for now... even with all of the mirth and madness,
fantasy and dreaming... just like any other person, I can’t help but feel kinda
mad when another person that I loved, had in my life as a friend or
acquaintance, or otherwise interacted with, dies.
Now... I am by no means saying that I am disheartened enough
to be one of those people who has completely given up those amethyst colored
glasses. I shall not, at this time,
throw in the towel, and become cynical, jaded, or irretrievably dark and gloomy
just because I cannot control the inner workings of the Universe. I am young, and still have a lot of life in
me, yet. It is far too early to give up,
give in, or let the anger and sadness win, by any means. Maybe I shall let it have its way with me for
a short time... write some poetry, yell out at the darkness again, screaming
out to the deep space that cannot hear me, to the deep souls who do not
acknowledge me. All the while, doing it
from the beautiful forest in which I dwell.
You see? I still retain, and
rightfully so, very much of the magick of my childhood... and I do still know and
believe that “magick works” and that spirits, angels and faeries are real
indeed. But do I live daily in those
places? Well, I suppose a large part of
me does... the best parts of my soul... ever searching for new tales and
mysteries... planning my palaces and castles and shrines and making dreams come
true... ever searching for the next magickal drum circle or candle lit
labyrinth... or that ritual that will just blow my cloak away and my hair back
and knock my boots off... and always and forever seeing those spirits and
energies that so many other grownups have such a hard time seeing... but not
every single piece of me, lives there... believes that stuff, all day every day,
anymore. As I grow, it seems, I have
angrier moments more often. Yet, I don’t
like being angry. Angry hurts my spirit,
and the spirits of those around me, too.
As I grow, I become ever more mindful of how even short bursts of my own
anger can hurt others. As I grow... I
hope to grow into a beautiful person that does and says things to make other
people feel good about themselves, and not be so self-absorbed that I cannot
see the beautiful forests for the trees... the ones that need to be cut down...
the ones that are blocking my view...for the lovely and majestic ones already
standing and trying to become stronger.
As I grow... I hope to be ever more... present. And this, well, this is for myself.
I am, I guess, and to be perfectly honest, as time goes
on... a real human being. I must also then
admit becoming just a little fed-up with it all. World-weary.
Cynical. Tired of life? Nah... never... (and doubt I’d ever get to
that point, myself) but sometimes, lately, I just feel... exhausted. Yet, I don’t WANT TO FEEL
exhausted. I’m too young for that yet. (In
fact, I believe you are always too
young for that.) The introduction of a
martial arts book I read one time book had a line within it that said, “To die
at 120 is to die young.” I really want
to believe that. I really want to live
to be hundred, and why the hell not, if I am healthy enough??? But everywhere I look, all around me it
seems...
Sickness.
Sickness, and the lack of will to live in that healthy state
that we almost all come from, once again.
People... sort of giving up. But
why? Especially at such a young and
promising age???
I don’t have the answer to that. I could only speculate, and it wouldn’t do me
any good, anyhow. You can’t change
people. You can only change yourself,
and your surroundings. So, next... what
is it that I seek?
What do I set out to seek, at this juncture in my life? The answer has got to be easy... and it is.
HEALTH!!!
Shining, dazzling, sparkling, blindingly excellent and
marvelously stunning, HEALTH! Health and
well-being... In people, in living circumstances, in work, in entertainment, in
food, in movement and exercise and fun... (Within moderation, of course. Ha ha ha.
That is to say... I will become as healthy as I can become, within
reason. I will not give up entirely
every single vice I’ve ever had just to probably live another decade or so...
but I damn sure will give it a mighty fine effort, to improve my quality of
life, for myself and my child and my loving family. I OWE that to myself, and to my family.) Oh yea,
and btw... I want to have FUN getting back to this shining state of health,
too! I choose to surround myself with
others who ALSO live (or strive to live) in that state of health, right along
with me... mentally and otherwise... and I am going to enjoy the ride and the
satisfaction of getting there, being there, and yet also, and just as
importantly, I think, in meeting them along the way. (Or in some cases, hopefully, even getting
re-acquainted with some of them!) I will
seek Well Being, then, everywhere I look or love or listen... in my music, in
my art, in my writings, in my song, in my friendships, in my hobbies, relationships,
goals, challenges, and in every nook and cranny of my life... Health,
well-being, happiness, fulfillment, fitness, vigor, verve, vitality, force...
May It Be WITH ME, brothas and sistas!!!
May the FORCE of HEALTH shine down its magnificent and radiant light
upon me, and upon those who wish to find it with me!
~AND~
May it be WITH YOU, TOO, should you choose it!!! I hope to meet you, hug you and smile with
you, along the way to our healthy places, once again. We CAN do it, bygods. What
one man can do, another can do. What
you can dream, you can achieve. What you
can see and believe, you can achieve. SO
BE IT.
I went to the doctor today, and I am due back in for another
doctor appointment again first thing tomorrow morning. I am taking huge steps to improve my own
health, right now. I am going to
continue to do so. Not only for myself,
which could be enough for most people... (and maybe rightly, buuut) but also for those people in my life whom I love, who
depend on me, and who want to be around me for the next sixty years or so. Here is to you! Health!
LIFE! Happiness!
Now, see? I was going
to spend this blog purging all of the bad and awful things that had happened in
my life in the last few weeks and months... (you should see what I finally
deleted, and thank goodness) rehash all of the bad crap again and again and
again, ask why, explore why, cry and scream and throw things, yet again, why
me, why them, why is the Universe made this way, and so on... and here I turned
it around and decided, instead, to change the direction in which I choose to
travel today. I travel toward LIFE. Toward my HEALTH, and MY HAPPINESS. It will be a wonderful journey.
AHO! ;-) ;-) ;-)
(I’ll save the really dark depressing stuff for a song later
on, maybe... or another blog, another time. ;-)
I will have to purge it eventually, in the proper creative manner as is
fitting for a songstress. But for today
only... do not worry, for today only, do not anger... Be kind to all living
things, and do your work and look toward your LIFE with appreciation. That’s it.)
For now, I just choose to be happy.
Maybe it really IS the answer...
Perhaps it really IS that easy.
Be kind and gentle to yourself.
Beltana Spellsinger
a.k.a.
Bernadette Gabrielle Holzer
(Neena & Veena, here I come...)
(Oh, I have been meaning to post this poem below to my
Facebook page... but I am... well, disenchanted with Facebook these days. I am thinking very seriously about just
turning my profile page into my music page, and being done with it. The only problem is that you still kind of
need a profile page to be able to monitor your music page. That and I’d have to be able to get help with
the Wolvenwold page, too. I could still
own it but would need another or a few more monitors. I think that is in the works. Anyway I wrote a poem about all of this,
too. LOL. It’s called “Goodbye Facebook.” If I do decide to do this, (very likely) I’ll
post it as my last post to share with you all.
It’s funny and yet sad and true.
Potent. I believe wholeheartedly
that people all over the word are spending far too much time on Facebook and on
their phones, and as a consequence, too little time with their friends and
families. Life is passing us by. Blane knew that. Anyhow, for now, this seemed very
apropos. I’ve loved Desiderata for a
long time. The other day, mom told be,
“Be gentle to yourself.” It reminded me
of a passage from this poem. So, this is
for you. Enjoy.)
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
© Max Ehrmann 1927
~Happy Thoughts~Happy Things~
Bellydancing*Yoga*Hooping*Dancing*Dining in the Woods with
the Madd Hattahs*Art*Music*Gourds*Cob*Earth*Dirt*Mud*Clay*Staw*Castles*Palaces*Gemstones*Colors*Blue*Purple*Green*Studio*Home*Heath*Reading*Books*Writing*Poetry*Songs*Songwriting*Thankfullness*Family*Feasting*Brewing*Playing*Singing*Turkish
Boudoirs*Middle Eastern Bowers*Magickal Kitchen Witchery*Gods*Goddesses*Fae*Jesus*Mary*Mary
M*Dragonflies*Fireflies*Illuminaton*Dragons*Swords*Kalimbas*Shekeres*Drums*Ratlles*Maracas*Shakers*Movies*Tango*Waltz*Jazz*Prosperity*Crafting*Success*Wealth
of Spirit*Wealth of Purse*Necessities*Mal Aguena*Green
Iguana*Chupacabra*Boots*Skirts*Kilts*Tara*Swimming*Fishing*Painting*Creating*Designing*Refreshing*Refining*Beads*Jewels*Fibers*Fabrics*Sillouhettes*Styles*LOVE*LIFE*YOU*ME*HEALTH*HAPPINESS*NOW*
