Health and Happiness... To You.

Gee Wiz.  What's Next. And... Happiness.

Allow me to please begin this blog tonight by offering my love and support, and a big huge hug to anyone and everyone who is suffering right now.  May the arms of the Goddess wrap around you completely in Love and healing, support and kindness, gentleness and compassion, and let her love and light wash away your pain and anguish.  So Mote it Be.

I had begun this blog tonight ready to spill, in entirely too much detail, a complaint of all of the awful things that have happened in close proximity to me over the last few weeks, or really, months.  But as I wrote, it turned into something altogether different.  That is probably a very good thing, considering the path it was taking.  Feeling sorry for oneself is simply no way to get anywhere.

I won’t bother to go into all of the crummy things that have happened in the last week, for instance.  Not that they have happened “to” me, anyway, so I won’t be as greedy and insensitive as to say that.  If fact, no, they have not.  They have happened “around” me, sometimes “concerning” me, and even “upon” me and “to and within my bodily person,” occasionally... but I wouldn’t say that any of them happened... “to” me, really, at all.  So-to-speak.  That seems like saying that things happen that are sometimes unfair, unjust, unhappy, or unnervingly, out of our control. 

Maybe the issue is that we have the nerve to believe that we any control over things at all, ever.   Oh... but wait... 

DO we?  Or DON’T we?  (Don’t we?  At least a little bit?)

What is the truth, after all?  If we don’t have any control over what happens to us, or, very little, why should we even try, right?   Should we even BOTHER, you ask?  Why, yes.  Yes, Bygods, we most certainly SHOULD bother.  Bother to get on with our lives.  To direct them, in as much as we can, to the happy places they can be.  Here, tonight, I will tell you why.  Because, you see, for every bad thing that happened this week, a decidedly good thing happened, also.  Furthermore... I happen to believe that we Do own a certain amount of control over our lives.  Maybe we can’t control everything but I do believe that we can direct our lives to the best place they can be.  That is different for each of us.

So.  In short, Death again.  Death, and sickness.  Feebleness.  Fragility.  Frailty.  But mostly, yes, Death... here we are, and here we meet yet again, my obstinate and persistent friend... Death.  So I face you now again, with the writing of yet more words, and in this way, so I that I won’t have to feel like I am running and hiding from you, now, or ever.  You are as necessary as the air that we breathe, the mechanism that keeps that assured circle of life spinning... the catalyst that ultimately, albeit untimely makes things “real” to us on a vast and dreadful degree...  You are, as ever, present, though sometimes lurking just around the corner, sneaking around to catch us unaware, and as uncaring about whom and what you touch and take, as the wind is about blowing around the leaves.  Yes, we ALL DIE.  Yes, we know it.  But still yes, each and every time, it always seems... just... so... unfair.

Yet is it fair, for us to call it unfair?

Whether we wish to admit it or not, we do know that although it seems “unfair,” now and then, that it is, after all, most certainly “fair,” or to put it more reasonably, that it is the law of things, the way of things, and that they are as they have been for eons... and just as they should be.  Things are such that perhaps one must leave to make room for another, that perhaps energy changes but is never created or destroyed, and that perhaps death, though ugly and unfair, is, in fact, inevitable.  Perhaps.   

Some of us (yours truly is no exception) may still harbor some latent dream or fantasy that we’ve buried deep down inside ourselves, stuffed it away rudely inside our innermost thoughts and forgotten imaginings, in that tender place we daren’t explore too often.  We have put it away, but just for now, knowing that we can access it easily enough at any time.  It is the desire and the secret childhood wish for... a life without death at the end.  A life of... (drumrolllllllll) Dat Dada Daaahhh....

Immortality. 

Did I used to think that “I” could possibly be immortal?  Well sure I did, and some days, I guess the innocent, naïve child in me does still.  I have this fantasy... I don’t let it out to play as much anymore as I once did, but it is still in there somewhere.  It is the one where I end up in the sacred mountains of Tibet near the would-be end of my life, but I do not die.  I would be old, and wise, and by this point, nothing bad or unsavory or sick or deathlike could even touch me.  I would be one of those “air eaters” or “sun eaters” that you have heard about... one of the gurus, the Enlightened Ones, the super sacred inner sanctum of secret souls who had learned, once and for all, the secrets of staying alive, in this bodily form, forever and ever.  (Or for at least as long as one would wish to.)  There, I would live out the rest of my days... giggling down the mountain at the rest of the world, as they continue growing older, watching everyone else around me go ahead and die... as I live on... with eyes sparkling and full of everlasting life, and yet I would live on... and on, and on and on... like some untouchable sacred Hare Krishna vampire up there in the hills of Tibet... and that is where I would stay for hundreds or maybe thousands of years until, by Gods, I felt like leaving this world of my own damn resolution, when and if I was damn good and ready to do so. 

No one would even have to know I was there.  I could live there for centuries.

But.

As we grow older... sadly, some of us altogether stop believing in these things.  We stop believing impossible things are possible anymore... we stop believing in Santa Claus, unfortunately, and in the Tooth Faery, in Faeries in general (hmm mmm mmmmgh... but not *I*... just to be quite clear!), and somewhere along the road, we stop believing in real magick.  We abandon the tales of King Midas where everything we touch could turn to gold... (Could and very likely would, had we just enough belief and courage and magick of our own to see it through, darn it!) tales of our conquests and riches and loves and desires and more... and of our own personal fantasies of life-after-death or even immortality... of which ever “end” of our own making we chose to live out.  In fact, I would like to soothe myself just now... and go so far as to propose that each of us, right here and now, (if you like, that is... as many people probably want to have no knowledge of this at all, but I for one, say that if I could, I believe I would) choose to decide our ending fate... how, when, why and where we will all go onward from here... and decide on this very day, to make it happen that way!  Sure!  Why not?  Will it?  Perhaps, perhaps not... but at least we got to participate in the fantasy of the choosing of it.  What will really happen to each of us after we die?

Well who the hell knows. 

I do not know, and neither do you.  It is one of the mysteries of this life of ours... and it is supposed to be this way.  We can go about picking and choosing this end or that... be you of one faith or another, and who is to say that your own choosing will or will not happen, simply because you desire or chose that it should be so?  In your case, I hope that it is all that you had hoped and dreamed it would be.  I hope that we are all on our way toward bigger and maybe even better missions and lives and experiences... and that we all meet our higher spirit guides and guardian angles and saviors... and I hope for hope’s sake, that we all are able to say that we made a good life for ourselves for the short time that we were here.  I know I would like to.  I feel I have a lot yet to do in this little life here on Earth this time around.  But, I wonder... doesn’t everyone?  Regardless of what they have or have not achieved?  Is anyone ever really ready to go?

(SO... going back briefly to my fantasy... I deem that I shall be a hundred, a hundred and ten, depending on advances in medical science, or at the very least, ninety four, because that is the number that I have always seen in my mind for some reason... and I shall go peacefully in my sleep while dreaming a fine dream, but only after I have propelled myself into a luxurious space bubble shaped carriage made of liquid crystal and silver, adorned with fine silks and borne on to the windless energies of space under the power of a the wings of a flock of beautiful great Blue Herons, twirling and spinning and bouncing and dancing through the cosmos... to have that one last “flight” before I go... I’ll flesh it out as I go but those are the basic details...)

I know that I have it within the capabilities of my mind to do this sort of thing, to play this kind of game, to placate myself in whatever way that I choose, as we all do, concerning our own deaths, our after deaths, and so on... 

Yet, for now... even with all of the mirth and madness, fantasy and dreaming... just like any other person, I can’t help but feel kinda mad when another person that I loved, had in my life as a friend or acquaintance, or otherwise interacted with, dies.

Now... I am by no means saying that I am disheartened enough to be one of those people who has completely given up those amethyst colored glasses.  I shall not, at this time, throw in the towel, and become cynical, jaded, or irretrievably dark and gloomy just because I cannot control the inner workings of the Universe.  I am young, and still have a lot of life in me, yet.  It is far too early to give up, give in, or let the anger and sadness win, by any means.  Maybe I shall let it have its way with me for a short time... write some poetry, yell out at the darkness again, screaming out to the deep space that cannot hear me, to the deep souls who do not acknowledge me.  All the while, doing it from the beautiful forest in which I dwell.  You see?  I still retain, and rightfully so, very much of the magick of my childhood... and I do still know and believe that “magick works” and that spirits, angels and faeries are real indeed.  But do I live daily in those places?  Well, I suppose a large part of me does... the best parts of my soul... ever searching for new tales and mysteries... planning my palaces and castles and shrines and making dreams come true... ever searching for the next magickal drum circle or candle lit labyrinth... or that ritual that will just blow my cloak away and my hair back and knock my boots off... and always and forever seeing those spirits and energies that so many other grownups have such a hard time seeing... but not every single piece of me, lives there... believes that stuff, all day every day, anymore.  As I grow, it seems, I have angrier moments more often.  Yet, I don’t like being angry.  Angry hurts my spirit, and the spirits of those around me, too.  As I grow, I become ever more mindful of how even short bursts of my own anger can hurt others.  As I grow... I hope to grow into a beautiful person that does and says things to make other people feel good about themselves, and not be so self-absorbed that I cannot see the beautiful forests for the trees... the ones that need to be cut down... the ones that are blocking my view...for the lovely and majestic ones already standing and trying to become stronger.  As I grow... I hope to be ever more... present.  And this, well, this is for myself.

I am, I guess, and to be perfectly honest, as time goes on... a real human being.  I must also then admit becoming just a little fed-up with it all.  World-weary.  Cynical.  Tired of life?  Nah... never... (and doubt I’d ever get to that point, myself) but sometimes, lately, I just feel... exhausted.  Yet, I don’t WANT TO FEEL exhausted.  I’m too young for that yet.  (In fact, I believe you are always too young for that.)  The introduction of a martial arts book I read one time book had a line within it that said, “To die at 120 is to die young.”  I really want to believe that.  I really want to live to be hundred, and why the hell not, if I am healthy enough???  But everywhere I look, all around me it seems...

Sickness. 

Sickness, and the lack of will to live in that healthy state that we almost all come from, once again.  People... sort of giving up.  But why?  Especially at such a young and promising age???

I don’t have the answer to that.  I could only speculate, and it wouldn’t do me any good, anyhow.  You can’t change people.  You can only change yourself, and your surroundings.  So, next... what is it that I seek?

What do I set out to seek, at this juncture in my life?  The answer has got to be easy... and it is.

HEALTH!!!

Shining, dazzling, sparkling, blindingly excellent and marvelously stunning, HEALTH!  Health and well-being... In people, in living circumstances, in work, in entertainment, in food, in movement and exercise and fun... (Within moderation, of course.  Ha ha ha.  That is to say... I will become as healthy as I can become, within reason.  I will not give up entirely every single vice I’ve ever had just to probably live another decade or so... but I damn sure will give it a mighty fine effort, to improve my quality of life, for myself and my child and my loving family.  I OWE that to myself, and to my family.)  Oh yea, and btw... I want to have FUN getting back to this shining state of health, too!  I choose to surround myself with others who ALSO live (or strive to live) in that state of health, right along with me... mentally and otherwise... and I am going to enjoy the ride and the satisfaction of getting there, being there, and yet also, and just as importantly, I think, in meeting them along the way.  (Or in some cases, hopefully, even getting re-acquainted with some of them!)  I will seek Well Being, then, everywhere I look or love or listen... in my music, in my art, in my writings, in my song, in my friendships, in my hobbies, relationships, goals, challenges, and in every nook and cranny of my life... Health, well-being, happiness, fulfillment, fitness, vigor, verve, vitality, force... May It Be WITH ME, brothas and sistas!!!   May the FORCE of HEALTH shine down its magnificent and radiant light upon me, and upon those who wish to find it with me!

~AND~

May it be WITH YOU, TOO, should you choose it!!!  I hope to meet you, hug you and smile with you, along the way to our healthy places, once again.  We CAN do it, bygods.  What one man can do, another can do.  What you can dream, you can achieve.  What you can see and believe, you can achieve.  SO BE IT.

I went to the doctor today, and I am due back in for another doctor appointment again first thing tomorrow morning.  I am taking huge steps to improve my own health, right now.  I am going to continue to do so.  Not only for myself, which could be enough for most people... (and maybe rightly, buuut) but also for those people in my life whom I love, who depend on me, and who want to be around me for the next sixty years or so.  Here is to you!  Health!  LIFE!  Happiness!

Now, see?  I was going to spend this blog purging all of the bad and awful things that had happened in my life in the last few weeks and months... (you should see what I finally deleted, and thank goodness) rehash all of the bad crap again and again and again, ask why, explore why, cry and scream and throw things, yet again, why me, why them, why is the Universe made this way, and so on... and here I turned it around and decided, instead, to change the direction in which I choose to travel today.  I travel toward LIFE.  Toward my HEALTH, and MY HAPPINESS.  It will be a wonderful journey.

AHO! ;-) ;-) ;-)

(I’ll save the really dark depressing stuff for a song later on, maybe... or another blog, another time. ;-)  I will have to purge it eventually, in the proper creative manner as is fitting for a songstress.  But for today only... do not worry, for today only, do not anger... Be kind to all living things, and do your work and look toward your LIFE with appreciation.  That’s it.)

For now, I just choose to be happy.

Maybe it really IS the answer...

Perhaps it really IS that easy.

Be kind and gentle to yourself.

Beltana Spellsinger

a.k.a.

Bernadette Gabrielle Holzer

(Neena & Veena, here I come...)

(Oh, I have been meaning to post this poem below to my Facebook page... but I am... well, disenchanted with Facebook these days.  I am thinking very seriously about just turning my profile page into my music page, and being done with it.  The only problem is that you still kind of need a profile page to be able to monitor your music page.  That and I’d have to be able to get help with the Wolvenwold page, too.  I could still own it but would need another or a few more monitors.  I think that is in the works.  Anyway I wrote a poem about all of this, too.  LOL.  It’s called “Goodbye Facebook.”  If I do decide to do this, (very likely) I’ll post it as my last post to share with you all.  It’s funny and yet sad and true.  Potent.  I believe wholeheartedly that people all over the word are spending far too much time on Facebook and on their phones, and as a consequence, too little time with their friends and families.  Life is passing us by.  Blane knew that.  Anyhow, for now, this seemed very apropos.  I’ve loved Desiderata for a long time.  The other day, mom told be, “Be gentle to yourself.”  It reminded me of a passage from this poem.  So, this is for you.  Enjoy.)

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

~Happy Thoughts~Happy Things~

Bellydancing*Yoga*Hooping*Dancing*Dining in the Woods with the Madd Hattahs*Art*Music*Gourds*Cob*Earth*Dirt*Mud*Clay*Staw*Castles*Palaces*Gemstones*Colors*Blue*Purple*Green*Studio*Home*Heath*Reading*Books*Writing*Poetry*Songs*Songwriting*Thankfullness*Family*Feasting*Brewing*Playing*Singing*Turkish Boudoirs*Middle Eastern Bowers*Magickal Kitchen Witchery*Gods*Goddesses*Fae*Jesus*Mary*Mary M*Dragonflies*Fireflies*Illuminaton*Dragons*Swords*Kalimbas*Shekeres*Drums*Ratlles*Maracas*Shakers*Movies*Tango*Waltz*Jazz*Prosperity*Crafting*Success*Wealth of Spirit*Wealth of Purse*Necessities*Mal Aguena*Green Iguana*Chupacabra*Boots*Skirts*Kilts*Tara*Swimming*Fishing*Painting*Creating*Designing*Refreshing*Refining*Beads*Jewels*Fibers*Fabrics*Sillouhettes*Styles*LOVE*LIFE*YOU*ME*HEALTH*HAPPINESS*NOW*

Psyched About Summer... but big changes ahead...

I cannot begin to tell you all how PSYCHED I am about summer!!!  Well, spring out here continues to be just simply freaking amazing.  Beautiful.  Hypnotizing.  The weather is more than anyone could ask for... and the scents and sounds of nature around here never fail to intoxicate me.  It seems to me, that each and every spring is even more of a gift and a miracle than the one before.

First, (to get the “bad” news out of the way, if it can really even be called that, so I can get to, and focus on the certainly good things to come...) a quick update on the current state of my health.  I continue to struggle with the chronic pain/weakness that the Guillain Barré Syndrome experience has left me with, and my new neurologist does not seem to think that I’ll progress any further toward the healing from it.  (That is, damage that my nerves and body have incurred since June of 2008.)  However, I continue to be optimistic on that subject, I don’t believe for a second that I won’t progress any further than where I am now.  I still plan to regain my old spry physique and energetic self and mind, as soon as possible.  ;-) I realize now that it may take time.  I realize now that it may take a lot more time than I would like.  However, as mentioned, and I will do so into infinity, that there is no way in Hades, (say such a horrid place existed, which I also don’t believe for a second) that I would agree to the idea that I will never get any better than I am now.  I still can’t run, or jump or carry Béla around like I used to, like I’d like to, still use a cane, I still exhaust too easily, sleep a whole lot, and still need a lot of help doing everyday things.  BUT... (butbutbutbut) there is new evidence on the front that suggests that there may be other, and possibly even somewhat new, things at play, in my feeling the way that I have been feeling.

In my most recent visit to my doctor (my general practitioner), it was suggested that I ought to have a whole slew of basic lab work done.  Nothing out of the ordinary, really, (he has been known to have me go through all of that time and again since my... 2008 affliction) except that I am still not sleeping worth a crud, and still dealing with an inordinate amount of back pain.  (They tried x-rays to look for scoliosis, tests for fractured/herniated things, and so on and so forth, to no avail.)  So... he prescribed this overnight sleep test thingy that I had to wear on my finger, to see if there was something amiss as to my lack of sleep.  That, and he then also recommended a really great specialist gynecological practitioner, so that I could get absolutely everything checked out oh-so-thoroughly.  So I did the overnight ox reading finger thingy to test for sleep disorders (possible sleep apnea, etc.).  Tuesday, I went for my annual pap exam, to that really good doctor, and finally, the same day, I went for my (now) annual mammogram.  (I’d highly recommend having it done, annually too, if you are about that age these days.  They’ll tell you every two, but do some research, and you might find as I did, that doing it every year could be much better and safer in the long run.)  So, mammogram done, check.  Pap done, check.  Labs, finger ox-pulse thingy, check check.  But...... while at the gyno, something unexpected was discovered.  (I’ve never had so much as an irregular pap.)  He found a few things that were mildly (okay pretty) concerning, to him, and to me.  Since having Béla, the size of my uterus has grown, quite a lot.  (Dang Hungarian babies. Ha ha.) Also, due to the rather rough nature of the birth, it... tilted, and was set askew.  And, apparently, it continues to tilt.  (At the risk of getting too personal here, you may feel free to skip over the next few paragraphs if you are at all squeamish, though I promise it won’t be anything to icckky.  It’s mostly just stuff that happens to a lot of woman after they give birth.  Lol.)   So, with the larger size and odd position of my uterus these days, it has, apparently, been pressing quite dramatically, directly upon my back.  BINGO!  AHA!  Light bulb!  He even asked me, during the ultrasound... “Uhm... does your back ever hurt?”  (Does it!?  Sheesh!)  And thus... we may have found the actual culprit for my awful back pain of the last couple of years!  So... due to the discovery of all of that, and also with the addition of a few other things that he found; numerous larger {benign though they are, still concerning} fibroids, an askew bladder which needs some fixing, etc, etc... he suggested that in a few years, I may wish to consider a hysterectomy.  He said I could live with all of this, but that it would get worse.  (A few more years of this?)  I asked, wellll...  what if just I did it now?  Was that something we could consider doing?  And... He said, that he would really, actually recommend that.  Why?  Because... well, because of numerous factors.  The tilting of the uterus, the size of it and possible continued growth, the probable continuous growing of the fibroids, and on and on... would likely continue to cause me problems, and surely continue to cause me pain. (Whattt??? No!)  So... what, was it that doing this could possibly ELIMINATE that pain, and all of the problems associated with these issues?  Why, yes, in fact, yes... it surely could.  It is not guaranteed, of course (when is surgery ever?) ... but when I talk to, think of, and really feel the insides of my own body... it truly, honestly feels like it is suggesting that this is the right and only thing to do.  And man, there would be so much less worry, monthly and otherwise, if I were to just do this sooner than later, he said.  So the solution?  After the music fest in July here at home... I am damn well doing it!  I’m planning to undergo a total hysterectomy (where they take out the entire uterus).   They will also do some things to fix my bladder, (“tacking it,” he said it was called) removing even more issues... (like getting up a zillion times a night to potty... and so on)  The really, really great news?  I could potentially feel TONS better, after I heal from this operation.  It’s a given, though, that it will take me some time to heal from this, and that such an operation could be more difficult for me, potentially, with my current residual conditions, but... whew!  The thought of (potentially) no more awful lower back pain?  No more birth control?  No worry of uterine/cervical cancer?  No more periods?????   Whew.  It sounds too good to be true.  I think the risks far outweigh the benefits.  Of course, I’m still doing some research just to make absolutely sure... but I am pretty much 99% sure I am going to be going through with this.

Okay... so yes, I have decided to do this.  The dates are already set.  One more appointment for pre-op (July 18^th), then a few days later, the operation (July 23^rd will start really early morning). Barring no difficulties, it should even be an outpatient procedure.  I have been pretty at peace with the decision not to have any more children, shortly after Béla was born, so that will not be an issue for me, mentally.  (I could still adopt.)  Also, they won’t be removing my ovaries/fallopian tubes at this time, so it won’t throw me into premature menopause, and I won’t have to take hormone replacements.  (Thus, it shouldn’t slow down the sex drive! Lol.  As if.)  So... I am ready!

Okay... So then this is how the next part of how my Tuesday went... (if you can believe this)  Just after the visit to the gyno, and filled with THAT revelation, mom & I took Béla to the playground for a bit in West Plains.  (Beautiful place!) While she was playing on the jungle gym, I got a phone call from my regular doctor’s office (Dr. Roberts), from his nurse, telling me that some of those aforementioned labs had come back irregular.  I had an irregular thyroid reading!  (Ugh!) Hypothyroidism, apparently.  (Well, hell... and THAT explains a lot, too!)  So, they started me on thyroid meds, right away, that day.  In two months they’ll check me out again, and see what they need to do from there.  They may raise, lower or discontinue the meds overall.  Most likely I’ll have to take them indefinitely.  So basically... an underactive thyroid can be the cause of so many things that I have been struggling with lately, too; that severe tiredness (chronically, and all of the damn time!), that sluggishness & lack of energy, the weight gain and trouble keeping I off even if I do loose it (aha!!!), and oh, so much more.  So I did some digging, some research, and before freaking out about this, I found that this medication could actually help me in oh so many ways... and so... what the heck... these things combined, might actually help FIX ME again!!!!  Sure, I’ll still potentially have to deal with the affects of the GBS for who knows how long... (pain/weakness etc) or maybe even forever (doubtful) but imagine... I could at least be full of energy again, not so full of pain, or extra... erm... flab, and I could regain my happy mood and disposition again... Wow.  In all, holy hell, I could become, again, somewhat of a normal, person!!!!!   (Is it true?  Is it possible???)  I am just slightly nervous about these new discoveries, and the surgery and the new meds, but in all, I am really, really relieved to find out that there were some things that were pretty amiss that I wasn’t aware of, until now.  SO, I am, looking forward to the future, in a whole new way, today!!!

(Okay enough of THAT!)

I am getting psyched about the upcoming music festival in July... and PSG... and still about working on our cob house and my CD... though I realize that some of those things will be possibly put on hold while I recover for those few weeks in later July.  All of this means that I am going to have to have more help than ever, working toward the goal of getting the walls up and the roof on to my home by fall.  So... I NEED HELP.  I need to sell this box trailer, ASAP, get Béla and I a reliable vehicle, ASAP, and get a crew together for the next work weekend, ASAP.  We’ll be working on the new cob house, working on getting ready for the July festival, working on cleaning up, and all sorts of things, during these weekends.  We can have so much fun doing this.  But I DO need help.  So this is my call to the universe!  If you want to come out to Wolvenwold to help us, then please, let me know.  We could really, really use the xtra hands this summer.  I am going to do what I can from here, on computer/website/registration/etc types of things, scheduling work weekends and gathering the right supplies... I just need the hands and the strong arms to help see it all into existence.  I know it seems like a lot of goals, big ones and many... but it can and will be done, all of it, eventually.

I am going to be asking the Universe for a lot of favors in the near future... and any and all of the healing mojo, power, thoughts and intentions from you all that you can brew up can and will undoubtedly help me, too.  So, good vibes, thoughts, healing energies, and suggestions... bring ‘em on!  I’m going to be needing some bodywork, too... so let me know if you have some to trade or offer... (And oh!  I am so wanting to get back into DOING it too... both body and energy work.  I feel that the exchange of energy is invaluable in healing both parties... but that will be have to be slowly and probably in the not-too-distant future as well.  Still, it’s something that I’ve been thinking of a lot lately.)

I am currently working on the updates to the Wolvenwold website, and getting info gathered about all of the awesome performers that will be coming out here for that.  We have just an amazing staff lined up, and some pretty amazing guests and workshops and things planned, too.  All of the energy that comes forward for this event will go right back into helping this land... (the roads are already becoming more smooth and drivable as we speak!) the showers will be fixed and improved, we may build another compost potty, and the stage will be fixed and the supports strengthened.  All of this is possible and will happen, but we need your help making it so.

So... if you feel nature (or Wolvenwold) calling you, and/or you need a mission... we have a place for you here during a weekend or more!  I would love to see just the right group of people come together out here and see these dreams into realities... and give people the chance to rejuvenate, reconnect, and learn something incredible and new in return.  I am still planning to get out to Oregon at some point with the family (or alone) and get that apprenticeship for cob and earth building so I can be a right proper teacher... that is such a big dream right now.  Send me energy to help me be able to complete my dreams... physically, emotionally, mentally and financially... and I will happily do the same for you in return!

Happy and positively anticipating the next few steps on this path... and hoping that it contains a lot of what I expect and dream of accomplishing on its travels, yet also many fine surprises and challenges and unexpected gifts, just the same.

Hey, you know the saying.  “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,” yet also wiser, happier, and more amazing by the day.  May all of your learning experiences and challenges be steps toward your best life and your best existence, ever!

The State of Music Today

(And why I still don't like rap...)

Okay, so I already know that this blog may have the potential to make me seem like a ole’ fuddy duddy.  Do I give a rats ass?  No, not really.  It’s one of the benefits of being a (usually) very nice person.  Most of the time, I don’t have to worry what others think of me, because I know that I am a pretty decent person.  Thus, occasionally, I get to speak my damn mind.  Okay?!

I have been around for forty three years now.  I have been listening to music for each and every one of those years, including whatever my parents fed to me when I was too young to choose it for myself yet.  (Which was, in hind sight, some pretty cool stuff if memory serves... We had albums like “Jesus Christ Superstar” sitting around, “Peter, Paul and Mary,” Sandy Nelson’s “Let there be Drums” (badass), “Godspell,” Cat Stevens, Beatles, Elvis, Roy Orbison, Janis Joplin’s “Pearl,” Joan Baez, Joni Mitchell, and so on...  So sure, a lotta “hippie era” stuff, which was really a bit before my time, but great. I was either four or five when all the good bands were out there playing, or had already missed them, or were still just a bit too young to go and experience them live.  So we had a pretty decent selection of musical inspiration in the house.  We listened to albums, yes, the big wax albums of the early days, (33’s, 45’s and 75’s, I do believe) on a large, wooden, stereo, with a real live turntable, and a built-in am/fm radio with a huge dial... it was the coolest thing in the world when I was that age.  The speakers were massive... and I’ll never forget what it looked like. 

From there, I went through music as a lot of people my age might have; genres of classic rock, when I was a “kid,”  (probably still my favorite kind of music, really), some classical music, in college, (had to learn a lot of this stuff as a music major) a bit of punk rock and new wave, good punk and rock and blues inspired pop, some blues (even sang with various blues singers of some note back in the day), jazz (went to see and loved Chik Corea and Al Di Miola, Zappa, Yes, Public Image Limited, David Gilmour, Robert Plant, and many others in my teen years) browsed through hard rock and heavy metal, then alternative rock and grunge, and even a smidgen of experimental Goth and such here and there.  (Another of my faves I guess you’d say... though I do like it, my knowledge of this particular genre isn’t very extensive.)  Anyhow, the point is, I’d explored quite a bit of different stuff.  Like most, I knew what I liked, and was sure of what I loved.

Though far from claiming to be an expert on musical genres, I can at least see, sense and appreciate how music has evolved over the last few decades.  I have my favorites, as anyone would, and my not so favorites, and then my absolute dislikes, and honestly, I have attempted to find something redeeming in all genres and styles of music.  (Truly, I have.) and mostly, I’ve succeeded in doing so.

Yet...

No matter how much I have ingested, no matter how it evolves and continues to do so, and no matter how “new” and “fresh” it becomes, I just... no matter how open I have tried to be to the art of music as a whole, I still simply do not like rap. 

It might not be the most popular statement of the present day, I realize.  Unfortunately, for someone who does not like this form of art, or music, (or whichever you choose to call it), we must, even so, as open minded music appreciateurs, live with its presence in almost every single aspect of our daily culture, today.  I am amazed at how many programs I watch on TV that reference rap and hip hop culture... how many styles and fashions, manners of speech and dress and every day reference to it that can be seen, and how widely it has, in just the past couple of decades, grown to be almost a movement and a new language of its own. 

And well, someone must really like, it, because every where you turn, hey, there it is!

Now please, for those of you who feel insult at this, or my dislike of it, (and there have to be many of you out there, because as we know, it’s just everywhere) don’t get me wrong.  I do find love and inspiration within almost all kinds of music.  I can definitely relate to how rhythm and blues came from this and evolved into that, and so on and so forth, and how and why it has inspired so many others.  (Not the least of which, I find interesting, is the great amount of British musicians who could and can still never seem to get enough of Elvis, and the old blues singers and such, almost as rabidly as we devour them and their music, in return.)  But... I guess I just can’t “appreciate” rap, and hip hop, as an art or music form.  This is not to mention the state of music, today overall.  Where is the music?  Where is the passion?  At ALL?  I mean, every thing is so incredibly overproduced, inorganic, simple, forged, forced, fast and phony sounding, and everything seems to be centered upon, or stemming from, or at least having something to do with some form of bubblegum pop and rap and hip hop ad nauseum... so much so that it is hard to discern if there really is any real good, genuine MUSIC out there at all these days.  (I can really only name a handful of mainstream artists that I’d even bother to actively listen to these days, and that would take some doing.)   

I loved the eighties, and a lot of the music that came along with it, (probably largely just because I was there and lived through it) but I truly do believe that the eighties had a lot to do with the decline of good music, overall.  Everything seems to have been so much more about hairstyles than music styles.  Everyone that used to play a piano now played a keyboard, rock bands became hair bands (not that that was a bad thing, necessarily, but the glam of it, overall, was sometimes enough to make one wonder who was the man and who was the woman... not that that is a bad thing, either... but....)  WHAT ABOUT THE MUSIC???  People used to care so much less about what kind of designer outfit to wear to an awards show, than about how to actually play, and hone, their musical abilities.  WTF ever happened to the four piece band?  You know... vocals, guitar, bass... DRUMS???  Stadium shows?  Solos?  Throngs of fist pumping, air guitar playing, mosh-pit slamming, passionate rockers?

Man, maybe I am growing to be an old fogey, and okay, maybe I am just kind of an old fashioned “Lady” at heart, with too much sensitivity to the vulgarities of the current world.  (Or maybe Johnny is right, and I do have a little version of Jack Black living inside my heart.)  But... {sigh} Geez.  I miss the romance of really fine, rock and roll music.  (Or maybe I’ve just been reading too much poetry, and watching too much Masterpiece Theatre.)  It seems like most of what I listen to these days at all, is either what is playing or being written in my own head, by myself, or music by one of my many talented friends.  (Also neither of which are a bad thing, at all.)  But the “Radio?”  Ugh.  Main stream music?  Forget it.  Where is it?  What is it?  I haven’t listened to the radio, for much other than the weather, for probably over a decade or more now.  And really, I do think it’s been far longer than that since the beginning of the “decline.”  Maybe I just cannot appreciate the evolvement of what came from classical music, then (in my humble opinion) to progressive and (what is now) classic rock, to... to what?  The (ahem) “music” of today?  I can’t wrap my head around it.  Hell, MTV doesn’t even PLAY music anymore.  I remember when my friend Julie and I were sooo excited at the first broadcast of MTV, when they played that song by the Buggles... and then so many other great music videos... that was back in the day, when we had to sit and listen to St. Louis’ “real rock station,” K-SHE-95 and wait, just wait, for them to play our favorite song again, so that we could press the button quickly on our little tape recorders, so that we would finally have a copy of the latest song we loved and we could listen to it over and over again and write the words down to it!  By hand! 

Most up and coming “celebrities,” musical or otherwise, of today, (because everyone has to “drop” a damn cd these days; actors, heiresses, reality show stars) are now so fully focused on the new “reality” of such a mishmash of pseudo pop and done to death (and badly) over-covered retro crud, that they seemed to have missed the part where it’s all been manufactured, for the most part, for them, by the music industry.  (WHO thought this was a good idea?  Do they even allow people to write their own stuff anymore?)  Today, every little kid wants to be a rock starr.  Bratz Dolls are way cooler than Barbies anymore... every doll has a guitar... you can buy a cardboard amp, drum set and guitar rig at Wal Mart, and nearly every eight-to-ten year old wants to dress like... well, like one of the monsters at Monster High.  (Or rather, like... well... like I would have never, ever been able to dress back then, even at sixteen.)  Today’s music “biz” is chock full of teenagers, and even younger kids, spoon fed to us from and by the Disney generation of soulless crud that invades my kid’s primetime program schedule, (though some of them are, admittedly, kinda cute, and we do watch them because she likes them and they are largely harmless and mildly entertaining, but it seems that every other show is about how to become a freakin’ pop star.  “How to Rock,” Austin & Ally,” “Shake it Up...”  Oh I could go on and on...) and even her (our!) mp3 player, magazines and walls are saturated by it all.  Sadly, even some that do have a smidgen of talent, are winning their record contracts on game shows now days.  (And the ones who don’t make the cut, are made fun of.  Cause yeah.  That’s constructive.  And entertaining.)

(And back to my rap rant from a few minutes ago again... Is it really necessary for every pop singer these days to add a rap part into their mixes, and vice versa?  No wait... mostly, it’s just the rap being enmeshed into everything else.  When is the last time you saw a rapper actually playing an instrument?  Blagghhhh....)

Granted, rap, and hip hop, merging from and with R&B, in some cases, (though the creator of Soul Train himself even admitted not liking, or understanding, rap/hip hop, if that tells you something) is part of the evolvement of art and music, and no one can deny that.  I realize that rap isn’t really “about” playing musical instruments, anyhow, or for that matter, neither, really, is pop.  To say it’s just “not my kind of music,” overall, wouldn’t be accurate or fair, either.  I can fully appreciate Madonna, Gwen Stefani, and even Gaga, but honestly, to me, a lot of it is so much more about the movement and the statements it makes and the changing times, than it is about the music itself.  I’m sorry, but I don’t think it takes musical genius to hash out a dance floor groove with a drum machine and midi synth sounds to rap (or sing) over.  (Maybe to a proficient studio engineer it’s an art, but to a songwriter?  Are any of these artists even writing songs at all anymore?)  Yet, this is what is being churned out by the boatload these days by our “music industry.”  (Whatever that is, these days.)  Do I “Like” Lady Gaga?  Sure I do.  I love the shit out of her.  HER.  But her music, honestly?  Truly?  Meh... I could do with or without it.  I guess that when I hear that someone wrote a song in five minutes, about their cell phone, I am just missing the whole point of what “art” is really supposed to be these days.  I am sure Lady Gaga is a very nice person, as she seems to be... and I will still dance to her songs when I hear them (who could resist?) it’s just that “IT” (pop, and much  moreso, rap, the more I get to know of it) is just really, really not my thing, and I guess it never really has been, and likely never will be.  (To each his own, of course.  If you like it, good for you, keep on rappin’ yo!) 

I have loved many forms of music, but mostly, I dig on it when it moves me... when something about it speaks to me, when it turns me on, when it is full of passion, or even pain, or something that I can relate to, from some important time in my life.  Or even when it is just lighthearted fun.  But it has to be... something.  Something created out of love or even hurt and need... with some heart and soul in it.  And sure, I can just cut loose and hit the dance floor with a drink in my hand, on occasion, too... but repeatedly blathering on about “Whipping my Hair Back and Forth” or about such deep subject matter as, hey, “Do ya wanna be my “Girlfriend,” in another form by the latest boy band, just doesn’t do it for me.  And, I guess they really aren’t supposed, to, I’m forty three, for Chrissakes!  I suppose I was in love with Davy Jones at about my daughters age, (going on seven, in just a few days now), and I guess I can understand how and why little girls would also be attracted to Justin Beiber, but by Gods, I made damn sure that there was at least some Zappa and some Led Zeppelin in that child’s MP3 player, as well, and I am hoping she will be open to all of it.  (And I am proud to say, that not only is “Black Hole,” by Sabbath, one of Béla’s favorites, but also Bowie, Evanescence, and Zappa’s “Joes Garage...” which amuses me to no end...)  Next additions?  The Beatles and then, when she is ready... ELP.  Gotta start slow and then work up to Zeppelin, you know.  But of course she’ll always have her own taste, and I’ll encourage that.  I just don’t want her to think that Disney has the monopoly on music, even for kids... and that she has so many more choices than what her classmates listen to or what she sees on TV.

So overall, it seems to me, that all of these new (pop) artists (and even more) have some sort of connection to rap, whether they like it, or want to connect to it, or not.  (But what do I know about the big, corrupt business of music?  Maybe they really do want every song to be a mixup between pop and rap.)  Heck, even Aerosmith did it once, and that was pretty cool.  But... every single pop song these days?  Give me a break.

Has it become, really, all about fashion?  About who is “wearing” who?   And about who can throw down, hold a grudge, start a beef, and who can rhime betta that thou?  More about style, these days, it seems, and crazy fingernails and stilettos, hairstyles and plastic colored wigs and dance routines than about an awesome, well thought out and performed  guitar riff or mesmerizing piano parts.  I just... I guess I don’t understand.

Greg Lake, from the significant seventies progressive (and now classic) rock trio “Emerson, Lake and Palmer,” (and an old, though new love of mine these days, whom a late friend gratefully tuned me on to recently though I should have known how great they were years ago) said, when asked about his views on the music of today, had this to say, which resonated with me deeply:

(from his online chat session via the Greglake.com website)

paul1peacock asks: “Hi Greg, what is your take on the current state of music?”

Greg answers, “With music there is almost always something great just around the corner but right now is perhaps not a high watermark as far as originality is concerned. I still hear some nice music being made but I would be lying if I told you that I thought it was as exciting as it was during the late 1960’s early 1970’s. Music at that time was changing the world not just entertaining people.”

Even if it were JUST entertaining, it might be alright.  But... Why can’t we “Change the World” again, with our music, today?  Surely there are things that need to be addressed in 2012, too, rather than the blatant materialistic and selfishly ego driven blather that pollutes our airwaves and digital players and tablets and cell phone screens at this time.  Am I really that much of an idealist, and is my head really that far up in the clouds, to this day, to think that it is too far out of our reach anymore?  Because, I think we can make a change, or a difference, musically, and otherwise.  Not necessarily politically (that really isn’t my thing, musically, either) but everyone has their passions.  It can’t all be about “shakin’ that ass,” surely.  Sure, people are rooting for causes, speaking their minds politically, and using their celebrity to advocate notions and ideals of all kinds, and likely have done so with music throughout mankind, but what is being said in the message of music these days?  What are the stories we are telling, sharing, and creating, to leave for our children to pass on?  “Cha-ching cha-ching we're loaded and we're not gonna blow it?”  Or oh hey, maybe it’s even more profound; “Hood n!$$@from Bankhead, I stay by Grandma Nana... I lay by my banana, dumpin’ and punkin’ monkeys!”

(Whaaa?)

(the last bit of wisdom from the from the rather hilarious and brief article on rap music that can be found here: http://coedmagazine.com/2010/07/14/the-14-dumbest-rap-lyrics-of-all-time/ ) 

So, um, yeah.  I don’t get it.  I want my music back.  Or better yet... I want people to start creating real music again some day, very, very soon.  And if they already are, could someone please share it with me???  I am always seeking new inspiration, entertainment, and I just love music... really, I do.

(Ahhhh.  So yes... it is good to get this off of my chest. Just a wee bit more of a rant then I’ll get to the good stuff.)

Do I care that Axl Rose decided not to attend the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame’s induction recently, and do I think he is an ass for not doing so?  No, absolutely not.  (Well, yes, I do think he is an asshat, but that has nothing to do with the RRHOF baloney.  Anyone who has been paying attention knows that the Hall of Fame is pretty much a joke, anyhow, so that isn’t really the issue.  I’d rather not even get started on that.)  The point is... are there people out there even, still making great rock music, that would deserve such an honor?  Or, is anyone making anymore progressive music?  Or classical... symphonic, beautiful, artistic, “sorrow sighing slices of beauty” that one can admire time and again, that sets of an ageless, timeless reaction in people, makes them cry, laugh, want to fuck, fall in love, or draw a painting?  Are there any true, diehard rock and rollers out there anymore at all making great new music???

Well, sure, they are out there, here and there, I suppose...  (but where exactly are they?)  I know that there are even a few programs here and there dedicated to the memory of it, and the creation of it, like the stuff that VH1 Classic sometimes attempts to do, or one of my favorites, “That Metal Show,” does, which is devoted to hard rock and heavy metal, and it’s just an interesting place to see what some of those old guys are up to these days.  But that’s just it.  Most of them are, well, getting pretty old.  Where is the NEW generation of rebels?  Or REAL rockers?  Of heavy metal head bangers and all out punks and thrashers and chain wearin’ hippies who love flower power?  Are they all dead?  No... I can’t let myself believe that they are.

Perhaps the “Steampunk” movement has some promise... though all that I can say that I know of it, is that it seems also like a general fashion statement... or a movement related to gears, timepieces, goggles, and brass and copper gadgets... and even though I haven’t really explored it just yet, I have to say that I have yet to really hear anything that turns me on about it thus far... (except that my friend Darwin Prophet is involved in that genre these days, and she is flat out an awesome talent, with an awesome voice, musical prowess, AND writing skills, all together... so... where are more artists like HER?)

I don’t want to be stuck in the past.  I want to carry on with the spirit of the “progressive...” which is what I think that groups like ELP, ELO, Rush, Genesis, Yes, and the likes were doing.  I don’t want to move backwards in time, and I want to look and move forward, but I feel, some days, that I might either have to settle for an O.D. on nostalgia, or not even bother to listen to what’s out there, at all.

Ah, well.  ‘Tis a good thing that music is timeless.  Our bodies, not so much.  But the music that comes from them... good, really grand, soul moving, earth shattering, mind bending, ground breaking, edge cutting stuff...  That kind of art will live on and on and on, as an imprint into eternity.  Thank the Gods.

{Sheesh.}

I miss the days of the badass rocker chicks like the Wilson sisters (Heart), Janis, Stevie, Grace, Joan Jett, and those kinds of pioneers.  The only people I hear that are anywhere near that these days, are my pagan sisters.  Why don’t they get record contracts???  THIS is the kind of music that speaks to my heart.  And SOUL.  And spirituality.  And creativity.  And art.  And LOVE.  Maybe, just maybe, they, (we) don’t want those record contracts, and that inclusion into today’s farce of a music industry.  Maybe it’s why there is so much more awesome indie music out there today.  Maybe we don’t want to be a part of that whole... new world of music and industrialized industry.  We are not, after all, products, but human beings, with flesh, souls, lives and dreams.  I am sure there are those of us who do want that notoriety though... and those who have worked very hard to get to where they are, because they feel undeniably driven to do such, or even just because they really truly love what they do. 

Then, there are those of us who do is at as we go, when we can, make it a part of us, but not the whole of, our lives... appreciate it when we can, and love it when we can do it and appreciate it; see it more as an act of love than a fierce driven crawl to end up at the top of some unreal heap.  I don’t know.  I can only speak for myself.  I honestly haven’t put out much music these last few years.  It doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing or recording though, or that I haven’t wanted to... I have been living, experiencing, and constantly creating, even if I’m not out there doing it each and every day.  Even though I am not always touring and traveling and making a new cd every few months, I do feel more than blessed that I am able to do it during the warmer months, at all, genuinely love it when I do do it, and adore that I have a family that is supportive of it when and if I do choose to do it.  I do know that it makes me feel good, makes me feel real, makes me alive... feel like I am becoming more of who I am, every day that I am blessed enough to be inspired to write or record or sing.  (And I do not write, unless I am so inspired, which is why sometimes months or years may go by without a new song from me, and sometimes, one comes every other day during those more poignant times of my life.)  And, I fully plan to write and record and sing many more songs, for many more years, too.  I guess now, I am at the point that I am only doing it because I love it though, and not for that “record deal” or TV show placement or major worldwide tour, anymore.  To me, the real thrill of a lifetime would be to work with some of those people who I have been luckily enough to call my mentors, inspiration, or muses, and not necessarily to be working and on the road, each and every day.  I very much love to have this place to call my home, to dig in and become a part of the earth here, and even when I do get wandering feet, which is an inevitable part of me and an annual occurrence, I always appreciate being able to come back to this place, and to have a normal life with some privacy.  Oh, and maybe I’ll get a subscription to Taxi when my new cd is out, and see where the music can take me, if that seems right.  Maybe I’ll even get another movie offer one of these days.  But honestly, and for now... there is so much more to my life now, that just traveling from pagan festival to pagan festival, though I do enjoy it even ever more immensely for those few months, when I am able to do it.  It is like... such a blessing, that I appreciate it more and more with each year.  So, in the end, it doesn’t seem to matter how old I am.  Some things, blessedly, do not age, or even get better with age.  I am still going to do it, as long as I love it, and as long as it feeds my soul.

Oh, and I wrote a new song last night, or in the early hours of this morning. ;-)  I can’t wait to share it with you.  It is most decidedly a rock song.  A poetic, mystical, magickal, meaningful, inspired piece of my heart, and it comes from a place of beauty, memory, honor, and humility.

Love, Light, Music, and even the Darkness,

Bernadette {Beltana Spellsinger)